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One former Training in Power seeker’s story
I feel that I came through the experience with Training in Power relatively unscathed - still scarred and battle-weary but also "older and wiser". When I joined in 1996 I was ripe for seduction into TIP (I see the organization now as a Seduction in Power - SIP for short) for as a recovering Roman Catholic reveling in materialistic and hedonistic exile, a belatedly divorced gay father frustrated in the desire to establish a long-term intimate gay partnership, and a somewhat burnt-out teacher ready for retirement, Training in Power was the perfect novelty and then a real challenge - a second chance, so it seemed at honouring the psychic gifts I had rejected in my late 20's. I readily convinced myself to like this radical, unorthodox, rather bizarre and definitely weird organization and it sucked me in completely.
I take full responsibility for becoming involved in TIP and I have succeeded in forgiving myself for that and for my well-intentioned involvement. I agree with David Hawkins assertion that "To the seeker of enlightenment there is no such thing as justified resentment". I accept that as a goal - albeit perhaps as a long-term goal - since I do have my bitchy moments.
My Level I teacher was Perry Zavitz. What kinder, gentler, more intriguing teacher can one get? His appeal to the literary intellect with "There is more in heaven and hell, Horatio / than thou canst find in thine philosophy" struck a deep chord. I wonder how he got approval for such a personalized adaptation of the Founder’s notes?
Then Jan Walker taught us Level II at Faye’s sister’s farm in the countryside near Stratford. That was truly so much fun and it was an interesting group - my sons Jay and Julian were there, their mother Barbara Flagler and her partner Richard Lander, as well as Anna Melnikoff, and Vals (--------) among others. I had no idea or familiarity with this kind of spiritual work and even though I didn’t smoke up like everyone else, I grooved on it. I was spiritually naive.
I didn’t meet Faye Fitzgerald till we persuaded her - over Karen Popoff’s decree - to come to Toronto and teach Level III. She was not at all the person I had expected but I could see how she had charisma and appeal. I had already heard her claims of her intellectual, professional and artistic achievements, yet even now they are all still unsubstantiated and examples of gross self-importance. The claim in the introduction to Level I that she was a "psychic to psychics" continues to this day to be only an illusionary sham.
What I perversely did like was the cleverness with which the various courses had been put together, how she had so audaciously and eclectically taken (plagiarized or stolen) material from so many disparate disciplines and put it together in a package that was so unusual (and mesmerizing). She reminded me (and still does) of one of those students in school that defies all the rules and niceties of deportment and brazenly cheats and lies to the teachers and gets away with it. And I remember only too well, as the teachers ranted in their search for the real culprits, how I blushed in misplaced empathetic guilt.
I was very angry with Faye when I left the Training. But I do no longer hold her in contempt. The more I understand her (and the more I internalize the work of David Hawkins and others who help me on my independent spiritual journey) the more I see her limitations and the dangers of her manipulations. (David Hawkins has much to say about false teachers and the gullibility of the naive spiritual seekers). Forgiving her and loving her is not easy, but possible.
I’m sure it has helped me that I never liked the Founder. I didn’t appear to irritate her, though, so I was somewhat tolerated and never directly targeted or preyed upon. I was never a star student nor a difficult one, so I was basically ignored and left to the ministrations of the minions. In retrospect, I realize that I never had a serious or meaningful personal conversation with her, was never part of her social or inner circle, and except for a formal teacher-student relationship based on healthy skepticism (I thought), we never achieved any intimacy. Her personal woundings and her issues with men, as well as her highly qualified condescending acceptance of them in TIP, also helped to keep us warily distanced.
Level III was taught in my apartment in Toronto in the summer of 1998. Even though it was totally incomprehensible to me and I thought Faye was an unbelievably autocratic and awful teacher, her voice grating on my nerves, I was determined to understand and master its mysteries and in the process was totally caught up by the appeal of power and the appeal of a potentially deep and satisfying spiritual journey. I was challenged to heal myself, and even if the first telephone meeting sessions were horrific - the addressments so assaultive - I wanted more. I had been given a sip of power and, like Oliver, I wanted more (I still do). And so I came to Vancouver to take Levels IV, V and VI. 1999 was for me a mind-blowing, life-altering blast and I sucked it up.
I awakened to a spiritual journey to which I gave my heart. I gained dominion over the self. I learned about impeccability. I was healing. And I convinced myself that I was happy.
But I also awoke to the sobering reality that Training in Power has nothing to offer after Level VI except servitude to a manipulative leader and a hierarchical structure that is without love or compassion but fear-driven, trapped by delusions of superiority. However, it still took me four years to realize that I was committed to an illusion, sucked and trapped into an insatiable gyrating unstable cult.
As a student desirous of more than a sip of power, I was prepared to overlook Faye’s frequently bizarre and strident rants, her autocratic cruelties with certain students, the arrogance of her ministers, the inconsistencies and incongruities in the courses, and the sometimes unfathomable activities and demands. This was all new territory for me and until I was more familiar and acquainted with the metaphysics I rationalized a self-first self-absorption. As a colleague, however, that kind of denial was no longer possible. There were no longer any clothes.
As a colleague I was encouraged to become actively involved in the work of the organization and I did fully immerse myself. For four years, I went to practically every class, every meeting, every new course, every Master Warrior class, was a Mentor twice, trained and failed how to successfully address at meetings, was trained and failed how to successfully teach Level I, produced the Newsletter for two years, and yet, never, was I ever treated as a colleague. And then I was berated for not volunteering enough.
(At this point in the first draft of this my latest "coming out" letter, I ranted and raved on for many pages about what made me leave the training. I realized as my letter took on a life of its own that my ego and mind were re-engaging in issues that the Training uses to maze and keep one mesmerized, trapping you in the fear that leaving will result in the loss of everything - especially your vibration - and that any independent thought and action is like Cipher betraying the crew of the Nebuchadnezzer and returning to the illusion of the Matrix. What follows instead is a summary of some of the reasons I finally left TIP).
In those four years as a colleague, I had surprisingly little to do with Faye. My nemesis was Karen Popoff, who for me, was far more insidiously dangerous than Faye. As the chief of TIP doctrine, the self-proclaimed Canadian Executive-Director and administrative controller of everything, including enforcer of the organization’s ever-changing procedures, rules and regulations, she was for me the archetypal ice queen and controlling manipulative boss. She and her consort, Bren Murray, checked me at every turn. I felt belittled in every step of the way. Her exasperation with me/men/members ("I could slap you") - whether her projection or not - led me on an inevitable path of awakening from frustration to questioning, to righteous rage, to resignation from addressments, from the Editorship of the Newsletter, from teaching, and eventually from TIP altogether. I was not prepared like Richard Gregor to be ridiculed and mocked and take it meekly like a fool, nor as Chris Fleck be crassly crowned as the TIP cash-steer and a loyal minion, tattle-tale and probe, or like Bennett Williams and Reece Brill etc. be at their beck and call like good little gnomes etc, etc.
Faye Fitzgerald I could dismiss. I could never "pedastalize" her, anyway (and don’t get me started on her horrendous use and rationalizations of her gross manipulation of the English language), but Karen for the longest time I could not transcend. I found myself pretty well alone in my frustration and my struggles with her and Bren. I was confronted and criticized by my healing partners, even my best friend Joanne. So I struggled and worked things through. I have to confess that the process triggered much healing - I was truly able to address how much I had been shamed, mocked, influenced, manipulated, used and abused by self-serving, powerless (pretending to be powerful) females all my life (specifically my Mother and my Godmother - God bless them) and then forgive them, and Karen et al. Nevertheless, for a long time she was for me the nightmare dominatrix (or the TIP’s Cardinal Ratzinger - take your pick of metaphor - or not)
What finally made me think of leaving started with my taking level VII - the first, I gather, of the many carroted (?) colleague (?) courses to trap the trainers into full subservience. We were taught to do so many unexplained, unfathomable, weird things at that Level that we were simply too busy to think or question. We were also made to feel anointed in our special position - a very clever ploy to widen the gap between the ""upper levels" and the "students". The projection of Faye’s terror of the "It" of evil and her arrogant claim that only she and twenty trained psychics like herself can turn the tide, so mazes one, that one is trapped in paranoia, competitiveness and distrust. One needs, then, to be in denial and a position of superiority and exclusivity if only to survive. That like the horse Boxer in the George Orwell novel, Animal Farm , I kept saying "I will work harder" illustrates the completeness of her manipulation.
What I had overlooked in the courses as a student became too much to bear. Also, there was less and less warmth or camaraderie in the organization or in the community, let alone collegiality, to nurture an ongoing sense of belonging. And thus the incongruities, the gaps and the holes - all the assaultiveness, the brainwashing, the cynical manipulation of naive yearnings and well-intentioned participation - became more visible and more disturbing. Twisting the sacred call of "A Spiritual Journey of Service" to the golden calf of "Volunteerism" should have been a sufficient wake-up call in itself.
The Founder’s strident ranting and totally unprovoked attack on the men in the training at the Level VII retreat in 2003 ought to have been the final straw. I could have acted on my conviction that I would not be shamed or cajoled like that but I pussy-footed in waiting. I had already moved to the Sunshine Coast by then and it was becoming easier and easier not to participate as much. And yet I struggled that winter - even after my friends, colleagues, and line-members resigned - to find the motivation and commitment to work with Georganne Oldham and Jean S. to bring the Training to the Sunshine Coast. Also, leaving Master Warrior and working with Anne Binning was not that easy to abandon. I still miss some of that work - always best when Faye Fitzgerald was not there. So it was that, thanks to Diane’s documents - which helped me honour and pull all my thoughts and feeling together - I was finally able to make a clean break in June 2004.
I have stopped justifying Germen’s resentments. Thanks to teachers like Drunvalo Melchisedek and David Hawkins and others, I have continued seeking. I have forgiven myself for having been the naive spiritual seeker and I have forgiven those who have chosen to know not what they do. I have continued on the path of self-dominion, found the power of self-love and compassion for all that lives in limitation. In my resignation letter I said I found myself clear and strong in the conviction that it is time to part from the training and continue my spiritual journey on my own. I know that the right teacher will come for I am now truly ready.
I hope that my turn at sharing my story has been worth the effort of the reading of it.
Namaste........Germen
Continuation of a former TIP seeker’s story
In the first four years of my involvement in TIP the various attempts to get me to see how I had been abused as a child never fully took hold - I was in resistance, right? The attempts to set up a "cause and effect" duality (this is more David R Hawkins stuff I am working with) only muddied my perceptions rather than giving me clarity - more dualities of blame and resent versus self-responsibility for the choices I made. The assault I experienced in the addressments and in the training to address and teach did much to re-open old wounds but very little to heal them. Power transference and love does result in miracles but does not give one the instantaneous expertise to be such therapists or leaders.
I was definitely hurt as a child - just being born into Nazi-occupied Europe was likely enough - and the conditions of my life were not exactly peachy. The insistence by one of the upper levels that I had been the victim of cult abuse so threw me into an energetic maelstrom that I worked very hard to get to the truth - how I wish I had known more about projection at that point, and been able to tell truth from falsehood.
Anyway, I was very much numbed out as a child and still have very few memories. Post-war Europe and immigration to Canada - no matter how much one romanticizes it - was not pretty. Survival in those circumstances may be its own reward.
As an adult, I know that I played out old personal and social patterns and in turn was as careless and as unawake as my parents in how I lived and how I raised my children. As I was traumatized by certain baby-sitters, so were my sons. The work I have done to expose the truth of my conditions has been very healing. The constant battering in the healing groups, however, I only found invasive. There are other ways to awaken and learn.
Faye never specifically accused me of abusing my children or of being a pedophile - but then, remember, we never really talked on a one-to-one basis. My good fortune - by the grace of God. In the men's groups we did obsessively get forced to face the subject of abuse and victimization - and particularly to "deal" with the universal guilt of all men - but, according to Faye, we consistently failed to heal ourselves. I'll save you her rants about that. I did, however, as the editor of the newsletter, write an article about gay priests and pedophiles in the ranks of the Roman Catholic Church. There had been considerable pressure on me in my adolescence to enter the priesthood - in retrospect that makes sense for that's where many young men suspected of being homosexual were often shepherded. I wrote about that and the abuse in the Catholic Church and then concluded my article with the phrase, "And there but for the grace of God go I". What that means is that fortunately I was spared such a life of self-hating repression and incorrect and abusive acting out of sexual demons and possession. Faye ostensibly read the article but made no comments. She merely gave me that look. What happened later encouraged me to come to the conclusion that she hadn't read it carefully or understood my perspective - I do indeed query her claim of professional and academic accomplishments.
So I never printed that article but filed it. In the year that followed, I began to "feel" that I was being talked about and I started to "see and hear" these conversations about me as a pedophile (this invariably took place in a kitchen setting where Faye and her cadre of supporters regularly gathered). "Me or my imagination?" Delusion? Surely I was being paranoiac? This wasn't telepathy, was it? But every time I let down the "moat shield " - which works very well for me - I was witness to more and more of these assaultive conversations.
When a younger level who called me regularly for support informed me that Faye had ordered her to keep me away from her son, and that in her understanding from her work with Faye and the ministers, all gay men were pedophiles, I was appalled at the ignorance and the mind-fucking manipulation. At a consequent Level VII meeting (at which Faye was not present) I raised the issue and in righteous rage demanded that if such judgments were in fact being circulated about me that they had to stop, that there was no basis in fact to such slanderings, and that such talk behind people's backs was not impeccable (how naive and trusting that sounds now). The reaction I got was as if I had caught everyone in a lie - the embarrassment was palpable - and the advice they offered was not only assaultive but ludicrous. I was wrong! Obviously I must be guilty! I was paranoiac, caught in a wrap of my own suspicion, and - imagine this - to put a positive spin on it, I was likely just being chosen as the Guardian to hold that position of the pedophile on the wedge for universal exposure!
If I still harboured doubts about being psychic, they were laid to rest at that meeting, for I knew then that I had hit the nail on the head.
By the grace of God we become conscious of who we really are. Faye and TIP have definitely helped in that process but the manipulation, the slandering, the insidious soldier-gathering, and the mind-games has undone the purity of the initial intent of the training. Faye and the organization have fallen from the positives of courage, integrity, love and healing down into the negative morass of ignorance, manipulation and power over. May Faye Fitzgerald and her trainers see that before it is too late.
How willingly I have sought to accept a clear, cauterized closure from my experience with TIP. Therein, but for the grace of God, I would still be entrained and trapped.
Germen Terpstra
Too Many Secrets...
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
While I freely acknowledge there were things I learned during my participation with TIP that had value and purpose for me, there was always a niggling doubt within that kept me on the fringes of participation. For years, I did only the bare minimum, the level trainings, the tortuous monthly meetings and the healings. I did step up briefly to serve as the Chair of the Ethics Committee for Canada and it was very shortly after that I chose to completely discontinue any participation. My decision to leave however did not have anything to do with my role and participation in the Ethics Committee.
Others have already stated many of my concerns eloquently, so I'll keep it simple!
1. I am not much of a group kind of gal
2. Cliques. I'm not the cliquey type really...
3. I do not believe every person on the Earth has been sexually abused
4. I am not an abuser, yet was suspected of child abuse by a person I loved who was also a member of the organization
5. I do not support mandated group counseling even if it is called a monthly meeting! (if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and flies like a duck...)
6. I do not support laypersons attempting to counsel trauma survivors. It is simply bad practice and can be harmful.
7. I do not believe in subjecting people to vicarious trauma
8. I am a fiercely private individual who will freely share my story with persons I trust, however I will not be forced to disclose/discuss personal matters with a large audience of strangers.
9. I do not take kindly to someone in a so-called position of authority having temper tantrums and acting out at meetings. Nor do I think that a person with a seemingly serious anger management issue should be given any credibility on that topic matter.
10. I came to question the credentials, the stories I heard. A lot of talk but never any real tangible "sink yer teeth into this" .
11. On going rants about the impoverishment.
12. I grew increasingly disturbed by the feeling I was part of a cloistered group. Everything revolved around the training. Give more time, take more courses, do more healings, join this group, or that group, and so on and so on. I love this crazy world too much to stop wanting to be a part of it.
13. Money... too much spent with too little return. Should have gone to Hawaii!
14. Too many secrets... SCREW THAT!
15. The sense of Spiritual Superiority that seems to be rampant
16. I simply do not recognize the founder or any other person to be anything but an equal in my eyes. I recognize myself as a person of power, of light, of love, and I will not bow in submission to any mortal on this earth plane.
Respectfully,
Colleen Wilson
Your Soul is Your Own
This letter is intended as a resource for those who are thinking of leaving Training in Power, and as a counter point for those still firmly ensconced in TIP who believe that Diane Muir's website "Lessons in Awareness" is just a spiteful, one woman's crusade to destroy an "innocent church of light."
My perspective comes from many years distance from the training; I was one of the first to leave in the exodus of '97. I really don't need to go into details about grievances regarding Faye's behavior--EVERYONE has their stories in this arena-- even the diehards, they just haven't had enough of them yet to admit to themselves that the empress has no clothes. Some people are simply learning at a much slower pace.
Here are some points to consider around the very important need for Due Diligence when considering Faye and the Training:
When Faye makes a fantastic claim, gems ranking from the benign such as "I am a martial artist", to more suspect ones like "My psychic accuracy is near perfect" or "I have training in psychotherapy and psychology"--be sure you perform due diligence in researching that she is who she says she is, that she has the expertise that she claims. Where are her certifications? Who did she train with and for how long?
You have the right to question her. People who rage at those who question often have much to hide.
When has anyone ever forced her to prove her psychic accuracy? Has she ever shown her students how well she plays the hiding game people learn in level 2? And, assuming that she "may" be more intuitive than you, just because she may hit one nail on the head, does not mean that she is always right. Her telling you that you have abuse in your past (whether received or perpetrated) that you cannot remember, does not mean that this is true, that she is getting a psychic hit about you, or that she is even psychic.
One of the priceless claims I now laugh at is the assertion that Level 1 and 2 are energetically "equivalent to (x amount) of years of cloistered monastic training in Tibet". Energetically equivalent? Measured by whom? Is there even a remotely verifiable way to prove this statement beyond Faye's own, and her starry-eyed upper level followers own, assertions that this is true? I laughed to hear a friend recount how, upon recently attending a Level 1 training and hearing this assertion, he actively questioned the one who taught him.
"Did (the teacher) know," he asked, "exactly what Tibetan monks could accomplish upon finishing their first 7 years training in Tibet?"
“No", she did not know.
"Well, I do," said my friend -- “I have interacted with quite a few of them. They are so energetically tuned that they have the ability to mentally control their body temperature so as to be able to sleep outside on a frozen ground in freezing temperatures with only a thin cotton blanket to cover them—and awake the next morning refreshed and well rested without any signs of hypothermia. Is this something that you can do?"
Well, no—she couldn't.
And I am certain neither can her enlightened Faye. Needless to say, this Level 1 teacher was very nonplussed—and, from my friend's description of her reaction, she evidently believed that he was a big conduit of attack towards her. Hmmmm, all for asking probing questions.
Okay this is a big one: One of the hardest things to let go of is the work—the techniques learned for the various healing groups, the shielding, the strikes, the work done in meditations. Faye will still grip you if you leave but think that her work is still good. I say that most of it was just overly elaborate visualization exercises, as opposed to verifiable energetic techniques. Remember, the mind is so powerful that it can do miraculous things if it's fully behind a--or any, for that matter-- belief system (see the book "The Holographic Universe") The amazing things you have experienced in the Training can be just as easily (and less crazily) experienced outside the Training if you choose to do your own work of spiritual discovery.
Faye's strengths lie in a flair for the dramatic, story weaving, and whip cracking; she's a good motivator and a hell of a web spinner. But again, think! I know we new agey types like to dive into all that science fictiony mumbo jumbo that she tells us about---but ask yourself—is any of this provable outside the opinions of this group?
Be absolutely honest with yourself---can you really see grey lines or a golden cord, or a pillar of fire, or periwinkle parasites, or space sharks, etc, etc—or do you just really, really WANT to see them sooo bad and are convinced that others can so you just are going to believe that you can "sense" them because you really are only "claire-sentient" anyway? Give it up! You know—I have been walking around for the last 7 years since I left the training not seeing those things, not doing one WHIT of anything that I learned and I am FINE. (And, by "fine," I certainly do not mean "fucked up neurotic and emotional"—Jesus, what a trip she does on people!
Envision a time when you will not be trapped by words, significators and smug knowing nods…it's a great place!) I am happy—much more so than I was in the Training. I have a satisfying, playful, functional relationship with a man I am married to. I am healthy, and my soul is my own---with no guru/teacher/leader to constantly tell me I am not hitting the mark. There are those who will say that it's because I'm asleep, or back on the Karmic wheel, or on the fabric, or blah, blah, blah—but they need to say that to justify their own unhappiness, unhealthiness (no historical native Shamans I have studied were obese and addicted to coffee), and deep fear of what would happen if they asked, "what if Faye is, and therefore I am, wrong?"
Do yourself a huge favor—try to find how you can view a series of shows put out by Penn and Teller called "Bullshit!" This show is SO good at showing how a little common sense and not a few probing questions go a long way in teaching people that many claims to esoteric and mundane ability and knowledge are merely only smoke and mirrors.
Phew! A very long letter—thanks for wading through this. My intent is not to cause harm to those I care for still in the training—you know who you are—my intent is to create a space for pause and reflection. Your soul is your own, you can do it alone— no fear of attack, no fear of evil.
"Out beyond ideas of right and wrong, there is a field—I'll meet you there."
--Rumi
With Love,
Kellie Newton (class of '97)
The ability to conform does not create or equal community
The ability to conform does not create or equal community. Empowerment and inclusion in community values the individuality of a person. I am more than the abuse I experienced, a story or a cause. My identity is not founded on the small part of my life where there was victimization. The expression of my identity is greater than a role within Training In Power.
The cult of the personality creates dictatorship. This church and state cult is dichotomous to democracy, feminism and freedom of speech. Vigilantism, bonding on abuse and a narrow world view does not empower the individual in this teaching system, of Training in Power.
The preciousness and perceived importance of this church and teaching is out of balance. The teaching itself creates this in a number of ways; primarily by its lack of inclusiveness and that it is not grounded in reality.
There are too many secrets, this abuse where privacy and secrets essentially equated the violation of human rights in the past, is replicated in the cloistered training: doctrine, teaching, policies and practices.
I am not holding an opposition stance, of an us/them dichotomy, which does not promote peace. I am a free thinker. I do not harbour any resentment or begrudge anyone the right to practice their freedom of religion, in the church Training in Power: A Spiritual Journey of Service.
I ask that you look at the doctrine, beliefs, and practices that anathematize anyone who has a difference of opinion about your church. Especially the ideas of dying or losing consciousness or, any other fear based threats that are propagated if people choose to leave on their own free will.
Freedom of choice, Lesa
Does This Path Have a Heart?
When I resigned from the Training, I did so officially quite a long while after I was unofficially Gone! It didn’t seem important for me to officially resign. My idea was to kick back and further kick back. I had already Not been going to most of the classes, meetings, parties etc. for some time. But I didn’t consider myself Out of the Training.
I was often confronted by Faye and other alleged upper-levels as to my non-participation, I could only offer that I was busy living my already big life as an "Ascended Master Teacher"! serving in my own community where I was called "to walk amongst the people"
It was my curiosity to go to L/7 that started the downward spiral that would eventually force me to see the fuller truth of what the Training was. That was the year we were given a chance to go without having taught first. I hadn’t planned it, because I had no intention of teaching - ever. But at the L/6 retreat that year, I was surprised to suddenly find myself asking Faye if I could go to L/7. When she asked me if I had been doing all the requisite work ie: teaching, leading meetings etc. a chasm separated what she expected from me and what I had been thus far willing to do. I was told that I would have to show her something more....but: What? She said she’d know when she saw it.
How many of us have had that kind of vague, non specific answer to a question and been told it was Faye’s fabulous stalking, then been admonished when we had no idea what the right answer might be, and then felt stupid, guilty or anxious for not somehow knowing. Prior to coming into the Training I always had a lot of curiosity and questions. From L/2 on, that got "trained" out of me by shaming, instilling self-doubt and the cold shoulder.
But, of course, I was allowed to go to L/7 as if it were an honor bestowed upon me from the twinkling dollar signs in the founder’s eyes. I got wrapped in L/7 importance. Having then made the commitment to myself to teach, I went about the relentlessly abusive process of doing that. It was the process of being ‘trained’ to teach that furthered my disgust with the Training. I hadn’t ever wanted to gather a following into the Training and I was really forced to look at that closely-.which made me more anxious and uncomfortable.
My thought about my involvement in the Training had always been: it’s OK for me to go through all this, but I wouldn’t be able to honestly recommend it to anyone else. Not to worry-.those closest to me saw the torture of my enlightenment process and had no desire to follow. Yet, the Training remained compelling to me.
I became a popular teacher after I was "cleared", and anyone who has survived the process of getting past the horrific teacher-training and then the actual teaching of your first L/1 class understands the relief and sense of accomplishment that goes with it. I had another class already lined up, however, as soon as I was cleared , I was compelled to immediately rewrite my notes to reflect what I could actually bring myself to teach and I edited out the stuff I thought was damaging, incorrect, unverifiable or just plain stupid.
Before my last L/6 retreat, I had decided to go on to L/8, for all the same reasons I ever went on in the Training, namely: compulsive curiosity and the fear of missing out on something important. At L/8 I found that the next twist to the story, the healing, the "battle", the dynamic, tweaked my desire to ask questions again and the lame explanations did it for me. I began to have regret for all the years spent on someone else’s fantasy, the illusionary friendships, many thousands of dollars spent, family neglected, life unattended to and so much more.
I still had two more L/1 classes scheduled, and it was torture to teach them, even with my cleaned up course notes. Worse still, I had 3 students wanting to take Faye’s L/2 that spring and I could hardly suppress my negativity about that, but I decided it would be the right thing to do, perhaps even necessary to accompany them to the class. Once there, I clearly Saw Faye-who she has become-.saw her "upper" levels-who they have become in their dance to become her clone, especially Jan. Such wretchedness, hypocrisy, lies, vampirism, self-importance, predatory sexual hooks, paranoia, fear and flattery, I was just stunned-and at the same time it produced a subversive giggle deep in my belly and became quite amusing for me! I could hardly take it seriously and a deep schism set in for good.
By the time those students had attended just one L/2 meeting, they were telling me about their experiences and what they saw and they became disgusted as well, but they were also "hooked" on going to L/3! When I explained what commitment was expected to be able to go on, they soon all fell out. Until then, I hadn’t told them that I was no longer going to teach L/1 or participate until I had sorted it out for myself. The sorting is a subtle and complicated process which I am still sifting through.
In the Training, relationships are difficult, suspect....he might be vampiric, she might be pulling on your energy...one must be always vigilant; there is always danger, always a position to hold. I wish to be free to hold my heart open, without being accused of leaking Energy and without the excessive shielding or violent "striking". I wish to hold a tone of love in a way that feels true...real...not an intellectual concept or hypocritical dogma.
The only truly loving year spent in close and sacred Communion with my fellows was my L/4-5-6. The way it was with that particular line, that particular year was what I seeking from the Training. Before and after that year was mostly disquieting degeneration, degradation, disgust, despair, disillusionment and distancing. Before that year, I was always on the verge of dropping out. After that year, I was always longing for that one true thing...real Love Tone, real caring and unguarded support for one another. Our particular line really had this. That one year.
I am vowed to hold my heart open. I am vowed to live fully in this present Now moment with my heart held open. I am vowed to acknowledge, encourage and support myself and all others to live the life they wish or need to live.
I don’t want to reject, wholesale, all that I have learned in the Training that has continuing value for me, but I don’t know what, for sure, that might be. When you are IN the Training, questions about it constitutes treason, and the systematic debilitating installation of a program that punishes one for "thinking’ or "doubting" the story has been instilled in all of us.
There were many L/6 retreats where "we" (my closest friends) had big questions, big laughs, big concerns about the story, but at the end of the day, we decided that ‘the story’ and the retreat were at least as interesting, more dramatic and sometimes more compelling than a lot of other stuff we could be doing.
At least I felt that way for many years until my last retreat year. By then I was awakened to a larger, more real, more inclusive, more loving, more healing story: MINE ! And Faye’s became too fear based, complicated, exclusive and abusive for me. Yet, being tenacious as I am, I complete the L/7 and L/8 retreats anyway-.I guess I needed that much more dichotomy to break the hypnotic spell.
I am able to make light of TIP now, that I am removed from it, as I am much more aware of the cloak of darkness that surrounds it than I was when I was inside it. I believe that there was some good within it and I keep those parts with me.
For me, it's just like a nationality. It isn't the president or government...it's the many people who strive to make things right in their communities. It’s the people serving in Catholic Community Services in my neighborhood and all around the world, not The Church. per se.. There are many good people still in the Training...and once we leave we see they are still just wrapped, as we all were, but their goodness (and unhealed areas!) are still intact.
Many people have been very hurt under the guise of being helped. This is the way the Training works it. I spent over a decade in this group. I have had regret about that much of my life spent on what eventually became a lie for me. But it wasn't wasted. However, striving to become another Faye or any of her pathetic and sparse posse, those upper level robots, is really Nothing to aspire to at all.
I believe that this is why most people drift out early and the Training cannot ever truly grow or have any major influence.
Unfortunately it is taking quite a long time, and I am still discerning and sorting out the dark threads that run all through TIP, as well as the incorrect uses of energy for healing and behavior....and I find the Training to be mostly a swirl of negative energy....viewed from this distance. Still, I don't regret it. I just don't look through the glass so darkly any more.
About officially resigning: energetically it makes a significant difference. Anyone who is languishing in this area will not know this until they do formally resign. Be forewarned that from that moment on, you will become little more than a "taint" that needs clearing, or perhaps you’ll be accused of trying to "take down" the Training. Oh well.
By way of my formal resignation from the Training, I offered this quote which I submitted to the boards: I felt I needed no other explanation than this alone:
"Any path is only a path and there is no affront to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you....look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself...and yourself alone, one question: Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good. If it does not, it is of no use." Carlos Castaneda
My resignation came at a time when TIP was pretending to make an effort to listen, do exit interviews and generally excite people to regroup. I was never contacted by anyone in regards to these areas. And after 11 years in TIP, became a non-entity to the group-even my healing group.
I am extremely grateful I wasn’t as ravished as some have been by the sexual predator: Faye, or her chilly, emotionless upper level power-over mongers. I am grateful to be done with it and I know I will never be able to be "cultivated" again! So be it.
Blessed Be to all those TIPsters still imprisoned and to All who have awakened from that dark dream.
Chiara Wood
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