To: D
Sent: Tuesday, July 01, 2003 11:51 AM
Subject: Ethics
Dear D,
I need to ask you a question. We have all experienced abuse from a few "elite" Canadians. I have waited to teach because of this abuse of power and need to control. I stepped back from leadership positions because of this. I must know from your own experience if this abuse and need to control is based on childhood fear dynamics or whether there is conscious intent to control for personal financial/other gain on the part of these few elite Canadians. I am willing to attempt to correct "cultural differences" if they are simply fears, but I will not support a pyramid of control that is not ethical. Spiritually or culturally.
I have listened to your perspectives throughout these dealings and believe because of your experience with these elite that you might be able to provide an impartial perspective. If you decide to provide this insight it will be just between the two of us. So is your leaving based on personal reasons or have you seen too much?
Excuse me if this seems a bit paranoid, but whatever my fear is about, I can't shake it. I can't get back to that state of unconditional love of this organization or the people who really seem to have and covet the control.
If you choose not to respond to this request I will honor that.
Respectfully,
XXXX
~~~~~
(My response below was written before I had the group abuse material put together, and I still wasn't seeing the full extent of the abuse. I was still hoping to be able to help the group. I'll have to admit now, in 2007, how much this seems like a foreign world, one I had slowly gotten used to. We were after all saving the world. Coming out of this drama took time and deprogramming. Also, I very much need to note that in a new agey statement I make below " ...each soul has its own journey, ultimately to self-realization, and we are all where we are supposed to be!" that I don't believe in non-interference or withholding information when it comes to an abusive situation. Some new agers believe we choose our circumstances (abuse) in order to grow. To put it kindly, this is just another make-believe story, a belief, that gives solace or security to those who must have it, and can be a way to let the abuser off the hook by excusing the abuser or the abuse as just something we needed.)
To: XXXX
Re: Ethics
Date: Sat, 5 Jul 2003 23:24:14 -0700
Dear XXXX
No one has dared to directly ask me the question you have asked---so this has been an opportunity to look at how much I will share and for what reason. I'm responding to the quest for truth and want to share what I have learned, at the same time, I recognize that each soul has its own journey, ultimately to self-realization, and we are all where we are supposed to be! (The leader) is doing what she wants to do and has that right, regardless of what anyone thinks. This is important to realize. Below you will see my frustrations, conclusions and perspective. It was quite a process. I have included some excerpts (dated material) from my years of daily journaling, definitely in the frustration category. (The leader) once said I have enough on her to wipe out the training---and at one point I was so angry that I was tempted. But that's not my job, my job is to seek the truth for myself and to heal. Karma will take care of all else. I see your request as a witnessing, of me and of those in the training, and I thank you for that.
I understand the feeling of not being able to shake off the fear or doubt. I have lived with that feeling for years in the training and have searched and searched for answers, in various places. So I share now with the premise that it is my experience you are asking about, and that it may help your process. I trust that you will understand that for me this isn't about judging what is right or wrong, it is about assessing energy and self-trust. It is about becoming aware, about seeing life's drama, and choosing where I want to put my energy. I do not think you are paranoid, just seeking truth, trust of self, and choice. With self-trust, we can relax and go about our business with greater ease, in or out of the training.
Satyen, at Wizard camp last week, talked about the 3 levels of self-realization. 1 is instinctual, 2 is awareness through lessons (drama!), and 3 is conscious choice. He said that's all there is, and when you are in conscious choice , you will chose to consciously go into each experience, sometimes just because there is fear. That is enlightenment! This is free will and self responsibility to do what we need to do in life to attain our awareness. The 7 of us from the training who attended Wizard camp had many realizations about the training from a physics standpoint, as well as from a heart standpoint. We put the training into step 2, awareness through lessons, and from that perspective, it is a rich opportunity.
You identify two possible motivations for the abuse of power & control within the training. One is unconscious and one conscious. Whether they be childhood fear dynamics or whether there is conscious intent to control for personal financial/other gain on the part of these few elite Canadians, I cannot answer, but if they are childhood fear dynamics, they have not changed in all the years I have watched them. For years I held a vision for myself and others in the training that we were forging a new organization. That no matter what appeared to be wrong, we were all clearing, correcting, and working toward healing by seeking the truth.
I began to ask why at one point, why are major issues, most of which were identified in the survey a couple years ago, not being addressed? One example of many serves to identify an issue of control. Nicki (who left in 1997) was the first to bring up money issues about subsidizing Canadians at retreats. This has gone on for years, and when I was on the board, (the founder ) had us convinced we should pay in this way, actually in tears of joy to pay this way.
This year, finally, after much work by those in the US, the US will take a stand and pay in Canadian $ for the retreat. Meanwhile, the question remains, why were US people shamed, humiliated, cajoled, and made to feel guilty all these years by (the founder) and her supporters, because they didn't agree with this? The founder can now say, ok, it’s correct now. Meanwhile, look at the negativity and pain produced.
In comparing the Toltec and T.Harv Ecker work I have recently done with my years in this organization, I have come to see the controls, ones I have known all along but that I could not register fully in my conscious awareness because the training has been my life, and I have wanted to believe in it and it's purpose. It not only meant community but, until recently, it meant being with a person I was very much in love with, and who said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. Now, after experiencing other work, I can see that (the founder) has created a training construct that not only violates physics, but love and trust.
One example is the Law of Attraction; for if a training keeps you feeling you are lacking without it, if you are threatened with loss of 'soul' or a 'fall' in vibration if you leave, if anger, guilt or fear is used to control thought or action, if people are 'watched' (by ministers) because they are doing 'outside' work, if dissent is not allowed, if group-think rules over individual freedom of expression, if you go into outreach with a promise of support and don't follow through, then it is in power over and a misuse of power, period. I was told by (the founder) twice in anger that I would lose my soul if I left! (If I have spent 12 years in this organization, I will lose all that by leaving?)
The issues I have been addressing for years with (the founder) that sabotage this training are woven into its very operating style (beginning in Level 1) and are held in place by denial, manipulation and passive-aggressiveness. The incredible contradictions in teachings and actual construct, in theory and practice, the incredible contradictions in (the founder)'s behavior, violate the very basis of the co-creative energy this planet needs, the very basis of healthy human interaction--- truth, courtesy, love, respect, safety, co-creation and common sense. It also violates free will; trust that others know what is right for them without force.
That we are an abused population (note: this what we called ourselves-everyone was sexually abused whether they remember it or not) in no way excuses the behavior I have seen justified in the name of power; soldier-gathering, lack of confidentiality, favoritism/elitism, power-over, and control in the name of 'psychic' reading of energy. It is not about who has what issue, for we all have issues; it is about the willingness to come to the table to discuss, and to heal if necessary.
From my journal, in May of 2001, you can see my frustrations & assessments:
5/18/01 ....for years I have spoken of this, of power over, of hierarchical pathology in the workings of this training, and tried to approach it in various ways by talking to (****) or (***). Nothing changed. I discussed a specific issue with (***) years ago, she agreed with me at the time, then proceeded to not only not make any changes, but to silence me by publicly supporting the status quo. Is it conscious? I don't know, but nothing has changed. I am tired of supporting those who are hit in energy, telling them it will be better, it's just the youngness of the organization, strategic planning is coming, do their own journey, it's being worked on, etc., etc., etc., when the underlying issues are so protected from change. The ones who support her are rewarded, and the opposing factions go underground, feeling unsafe. People tell me of a problem, then I watch as they flat out bury it when face to face with defensive leadership, who deflect their accountability with rote power rules. Yes, I listen to students, jolt them when needed, but I do not use manipulation or power over to do it! That is the difference.
I don't know now that this training will survive it's power issues, the premise that the only way to jolt people to health is with jolting them, power over, brick wall of 'I'm right about you and you're wrong', blaming, shaming, and humiliating to get things done, defensive ego-bound positions that are as far from humble (and enlightened) as can be! When I hear over and over, directly and by the grapevine that I am seen in integrity, truth, fairness, purity, cleanness and that this is not so in the training workings, I must ask: WHY NOT? When I am told I am the 'heart' of the training and if I leave it will lose its heart, I must ask WHY? I no longer believe that I just haven't communicated it right; that I haven't stepped up; that I am not doing enough to help! And how much more will I try? I've been supporting people to identify and bring issues out in the open to be worked with, but people cannot withstand the deflecting energy that comes at them. They admit they are in fear and don't want to risk being hit with cool rationalized justification on a protected position, let alone rage.
The structure is such that if (****) rages or if (***) is passive/aggressive, fear prevents anyone from addressing them, and students divide into factions: those that unquestionably defend them (they are just human) then ‘address’ those who do say something (usually in healing groups). Leadership acts the victim, after all, look what you...everyone is doing to them. I was accused of making Sensei so severely sick because I could not follow through on Faye's threesome, and he was in Vancouver with her at the time! She said that because I ‘pulled the plug’ on the threesome Sensei took the hit that would have killed her. Sensei was never sick in my presence! To blame and accuse others is the mechanism to stay in denial about the consequences of your own actions. This self-important dynamic assures control and is woven into the very fabric of the training itself.
Those who use this defensive control tactic (steeped in training rhetoric and lingo) talk about themselves and their issues all the time in pat analytical terms, so they seem to be open. They tell great healing stories , they look good, they look like they are working, but they do not truly reveal themselves and are not open to disagreement. (***) is the biggest block to the fresh air this organization needs to grow and flourish. There is control and filtered interpretation of information to (****): she incites and blames others to (****).
It is a pretense of power. A man in the training was heard to say of his wife, who is in leadership: "she has lost her heart, she used to have a heart, and how she acts as she thinks power is supposed to be". What a sad statement, for our heart is our true power.
From a 4/26/03 journal entry you can see my conclusions:
The founder has said that people 'fall', leave, because the consciousness she is bringing in is just too much for humanity, that this work is hard because people won't face themselves and the truth. This ‘story’ keeps people in fear, exclusivity (pride) and guilt, and is misuse of power! There are many leaders reaching thousands of people and successfully adding to critical mass; the readiness is there. But implicit in her battle cry is that she is the only way, which does nothing to unite light workers to sort out what is right. The founder is the very antithesis of uniting people to action in the world, and her training only serves to isolate each person into a separative, robotic training box.
She says this work is hard and that’s why so many "fall"--- but so many people are clearing (healing) now, in thousands of organizations, that the only hard thing about this org is to keep up the incongruent pretense of its exclusive story. The organizations that are making a difference unite people into action by a universal appeal that is beyond 'control for your own good', beyond the politics of humanity. This closed platform will never allow the learning curve it will take to unlearn the old and move on to true humanitarian levels.
And today, you can see my perspective:
Now, XXXXX, having shared all that, I think this training does serve a purpose, and is here for those who resonate with it, for whatever reason. It definitely can clear some core issues, and has helped many do just that, including myself. As far as a holistic training, it misses some critical basics in early levels, takes too long, creates dependency & ego, does not support wholeness, and is consistently controlled to serve (the founder). But then, it may also be her healing. It can be a great training ground for those who can use it consciously, or a stepping stone approach for the gullible until they come to their courage to wake up.
I have done much work to clear any judgment or residual reactions to the founder or training issues, to release the anger at the wake up call, and re-find the love. I'm just about there, and with the other trainings I have done recently, have come to perspective. Could I have done it any other way? Probably, but I fell in love and evidently needed this drama until I didn't. In fairness to (****), she is in her truth. That is each person's duty, to fully enact who they are and learn their lessons. The laws of Karma will prevail for each of us. So yes, I leave for personal reasons, and yes I have seen a lot. It's just my job now to choose what I resonate with…
Hope this helps you, first and foremost to trust your perception, then to heal and make conscious choices on your heart path.
Yours for Freedom,
D
The response to my reply:
Dear D,
Thank you for sharing this with me. The reason I asked is I saw that you have always kept your most precious treasures safe. Your children. That told me a lot. There were no eye openers in your letter so you can rest assured that you have not altered my journey.
Good luck on your quest of impeccability! There are safer places to open that gorgeous heart of yours.
Love and respect
XXXX
~~~~
9/03 Writings in other correspondences to friends:
...the more distance and understanding I have the more I am able to replace the angst that comes up with compassion, for myself and learning this hard lesson, and for those who abuse, for they are hurt too.
I was able to compare TIP with another training recently. It combines vibrational healing and physics too. But the physical healings actually work. There is no withholding of information, no ‘here is a half dollar bill and I will give you the other half when you’re ready for it’. In all the years I’ve been in this training, I have seen no one really heal anything. They learn the story, the mechanical, rote story, over and over and over, and then act in power and feel better to a point. But they are trained into addiction to what’s next in the mystical story, and by Lev Vl still not feeling empowered inside or physically well. After 3 or 4 years of training, this is sad. Too much mysticism and too little action in the world I think. In MW (the martial arts class given once a week) people were working with DNA, but mystically and obscurely. DNA work is incredibly valuable and specific, and could be introduced in the levels early on without the mystic mumbo jumbo.
The constant focus on attack isn't good! According to manifestation principles we know that a positive focus aligns energy to manifest that focus. If one puts out a good focus one cannot get disaster back, especially an impersonal disaster, therefore the training uses a term called displacement to say that a positive thing is replacing a negative thing, and the negative thing is reacting and causing problems. If a car is stolen (personal) or a bridge collapses (impersonal) when a class is taught, it is claimed that it’s displacement, which is saying that a negative reaction is happening because the positive displaced the negative! Although it is common in many disciplines to watch the environment for significators, the constant focus of linking negative reactions to the importance of the teachings is one of the biggest ‘stories’ of self importance in this training. A more healthy way to use the term displacement could be that if I help a victim to get away from an abuser, and the abuser comes after me, there is a direct causal relationship that must be dealt with. Another correct example is if I assist someone and they get angry at me as they clear an issue, the positive displaced the negative and the negative reacted. The issue seems to be in the causal relationship. To view the world in mystical ‘attack’ just isn’t useful to anyone but trainers, who wrap themselves in it as if it were a badge of honor.
So, the training is focused on doing energetic work to clear energetics, which causes ‘displacement’, or negativity. Whenever there is something going on, with a person or class, anything negative that happens is because of displacement or attack. So a positive intent is heavily linked to negatives, which can only then manifest negatives! Steeped in negatives and isolated from others who are not in the story, it is no wonder everyone is always ‘under attack’, and having to say so or else be called nave!! What a way to live! And what a way to get out of taking responsibility for one’s life and actions. It is also no wonder that everyone gains weight and is sick often, with such a negative focus.
With this kind of focus, this work only produces this work; negative, attack producing manifestations. Successful groups empower each individual to find their own answers, face truth, and to fully enact who they are, rather than guiding them to conform to a rigid structure of 'enlightenment' that not only takes years to accomplish, but eventually ensures compliance by saying that those who leave will 'fall' in vibration and are under attack. This is a most intricate web, and the fact we cannot talk openly about it without being felt as attacking is a symptom of the worst kind.
I was working on this stuff and the electricity went off and I lost it. So, do I blame it on the importance of the work I was doing, or to the fact that the Lev Vl course is coming up soon, or to evil trying to stop me because I’m in the highest level now? I just figure I won’t compose stuff in my email program that I want to keep! Maybe it’s more exciting and mysterious to fight demons and attack, but I think there is an incredible world of mystery out there without having to buy into this intricate web of attack dynamics. And there are many “evils” right in the neighborhood to put my energy to. I watched a video tape of a teacher’s meeting a few months ago in which (the founder) asked people to stand up to tell how bad the NW energy is, because her new attraction has not been able to get a job for a year and a half! I laughed out loud and felt sorry for these victims who are enabling each other, and am glad to be out of having to keep a straight face with those victim stories that blame the external for their own woes.
I gave my power away to a great storyteller. I was vulnerable to a storyteller who professed to know the ‘truth’! Examine each sentence in Lev l for its intent to control or manipulate the student. You’ll begin to see the training in a new way. D.
Correspondence 12/03
To a friend who wrote after she left the training:
Thank you for sharing your musings, your heart thoughts out loud. It is such a personal journey, and as long as we're asking for the truth, we'll get our answers!
Indeed it is all a story here; it is all in our mind, and it’s all about learning. We progress at our own pace to learn the quality of love, and each individual that does is helping out our world. It's how we enact the love in every action in our daily life that really counts, not adopting a cause or a story that keeps us in battle and in pain. Actually we are progressing collectively in bits; we are aware as a society now that child abuse is not right. A hundred years ago kids weren't even seen as people at all! Granted, in some parts of the world this is so, but I think the internet is quickening the spreading of information.
Spiritual teachings of high calibration support Self-realization, the self observer that begins to let go of attachment to any mind 'story' and the judgment and victimhood of our thoughts. In Power vs. Force, a repeated theme is that the mind cannot know the difference between what is true and what is false in its own consciousness level. It is said that under 150 consciousnesses we need help to get out of our tangled thoughts. That's why the training seduced me in early levels. It replaced my story with another, one of 'power', but it did not truly clear me emotionally. After twelve years it was only through my experience elsewhere that I realized how right on I had been in feeling something was very amiss, and how much I had missed by being so involved with this isolated story. It is abuse if a teacher does not let go of her own story in order to encourage self realization in others, which is true power. Upper levels continue to be shamed into being compliant with her rules of 'how it is'.
It was said in (the highest level review class) this month that the human must do whatever it takes to stay in this place... to buy new houses and find new lovers is ok because the spirit is pure. It is a position to hold. Well, in a way she is right. She must do what she must to learn her lessons, as each one of us must. To teach such a justification however is telling; how empty one must feel inside to have to live for the next conquest. D.
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